DEAR DEIDRE: SURPRISING my lover with a birthday gift at his home really backfired. He’d told me he lived alone but as I approached I saw him playing with two young kids who were obviously his.
We met online, and after four dates, he stayed at mine for the weekend and we had brilliant sex.
He told me he was single, saying his ex cheated and left him two years ago.
We bonded over not seeing the signs your partner was cheating, as exactly the same thing happened to me. He was clever and knew how to get my confidence by pulling on my heart strings and making me feel sorry for him.
I hadn’t felt able to trust anyone for a long time, but when a friend persuaded me to try online dating again and I met this man, I really felt I could trust him.
Now I’m questioning everything. He’s clearly a very accomplished liar. He’s 41 and drives a sports car. He said he’d never got married because he’d not met the right person.
I’m 37 and female. He lives on an estate where my cousin lives, so I knew where to find him.
His birthday was about a month after we started dating. I bought him a shirt and some aftershave and thought I’d surprise him.
I drove to his street and saw his car. The property was on the end of a cul-de-sac so I drove down the side toward the back garden.
As I pulled up, I got the shock of my life when I saw him playing with two little kids.
I headed home in tears and when he called later, I told him what I’d seen. He said he could explain.
He said he was married but getting divorced. He begged me not to dump him. Should I give him a chance?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You could but if he’s not been honest, what makes you think he will be straight with you now?
You only have his rather devalued word that he’s seeking a divorce.
He has children. So even if he was a free man, ask yourself if you are prepared to take on his children?
If he is somebody you see a future with, tell him how you feel, but give him space to sort out his home life.
Until then, sex is off limits.
My support pack called Your Lover Not Free will help you explore every aspect of this relationship.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I THINK MY POLE-DANCE GIRLFRIEND IS CHEATING
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend says she needs to work as a pole-dancer to earn money to pay the bills, but I earn enough to support her and the kids.
We’ve been together for ten years and are both 39. She likes to keep herself fit so learnt to pole-dance.
I didn’t mind until she wanted to go on a pole-dancing holiday with her mate from work. She Facetimed me every night, but I noticed she wasn’t wearing her engagement ring.
When she got back, I asked her to show me some videos and she wasn’t wearing her ring in them either.
She said jewellery can get “caught on the pole or in clothing” but she’s never mentioned that before.
She also had some bruises on her and I was worried. She told me I’m being paranoid and if I don’t stop going on about it, she’s throwing me out.
DEIDRE SAYS: You were right to question her behaviour but now she’s told you why she wasn’t wearing her ring, you have to give her the benefit of the doubt.
The bruises could come from knocking herself against the pole.
Now move forward. Tell her you love her and want to ensure your relationship is strong. If she enjoys pole-dancing, go and watch a session. If you feel it’s too sexualised, work out a compromise.
My support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, explains how to improve trust between you.
SHE SAYS MANHOOD PUTS HER OFF SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time we try to have sex my girlfriend gets scared because my penis is too big.
We have been together for a year and are now planning to marry and share our lives – but this problem with sex threatens our happiness.
I am 33, my girlfriend is 28 and we are both virgins.
She is petite, less than 5ft, whereas I am around 6ft. We met through a mutual friend and there was instant chemistry.
Everything is good in our relationship until we try to have sex. Each time, she quickly becomes upset and we have to stop. It is becoming very frustrating for both of us.
I love her and want to enjoy sex with her, but don’t want to hurt her.
I know full sex with me could maybe be uncomfortable at first, but is there anything I can do to persuade her to keep trying?
DEIDRE SAYS: A woman’s vagina can usually expand to accommodate a large penis, but the problem may be that your girlfriend is not fully aroused before sex.
Her anxiety about the pain won’t help.
My support pack First-time Fears will be useful.
You need to go gently and have lots of sexy foreplay without rushing into intercourse. This can make all the difference. Experiment with different positions too. And my support pack Too Large? explains ways to help in more detail.
WHY’S EX VISITING MY MUM AND DAD?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY abusive ex has started calling my parents Mum and Dad. He remains friendly with them, while they don’t want to see me or the kids.
We were married for five years. He was a terrible husband and a poor father. We’ve got two boys, but he never took much notice of them.
I do everything for them – feed them, clothe them, pay for their football training and karate classes.
My ex could never keep a job, so it was always down to me to pay. I now have two jobs to keep a roof over our heads.
I’m 38 and my ex is 40.
He controlled me and made me lose touch with my parents and sister. He would never let me go to family gatherings.
We split up eight months ago. He now has a new girlfriend and has taken her to meet my parents.
It’s such a kick in the teeth.
I asked Mum whether she and Dad would come to our son’s birthday party but she said, “No, I’ve got visitors that day.”
My sister told me it’s my ex who is visiting and he’s creeping around them. I don’t know what his game is but he always comes up smelling of roses. He manipulated me to get into my life – now he’s doing the same with my folks.
DEIDRE SAYS: You fell for his charms and now, sadly, your parents are doing the same.
You’ve dodged a bullet and your children will come to learn that you’ve made huge strides to protect them and keep their family life normal.
While you’re not actively seeing your parents, make sure your children are involved with extended family or their friends.
You can find support through family-action. org.uk (0808 802 6666), which provides a listening ear when it comes to family issues.
I hope your parents see the light soon.