DEAR DEIDRE: CATCHING my husband sexting other women was the excuse I needed to find my own online lover.
He is 59, I’m 54, and we’ve been married for 28 years.
Last year he moved into the spare bedroom, because I thought my menopause night-sweats disturbed his sleep.
But I checked his phone and found lewd texts to loads of other women, describing in detail how he wanted sex with them.
I created an online-dating profile to get revenge. I expected to meet a few local men for drinks, and rebuild my confidence until I decided what to do.
Instead, I met a gorgeous man from Kenya.
He’s 37 and, from his photos, really looks after himself.
He’s originally from America but settled in Kenya three years ago. We had some great conversations and then quickly moved over to WhatsApp, chatting and texting day and night.
Honestly, no one’s ever made me feel so good about myself. Funny, caring and sexy, he loves everything about me and says I’m the hottest woman he’s ever met.
We’ve had sex online a few times — I pleasure myself naked, and send him the videos — and he wants us to get married.
Most nights, we talk on the phone until we fall asleep.
My husband is oblivious. I obviously haven’t told my friends and family yet.
He wants me to fly to Africa to marry him. He’s not working, and his unpaid debts mean he can’t get a visa to come here.
I don’t mind sending him money, so I am helping out with his mobile contract, rent and groceries, but I’m reluctant to move abroad without visiting him first.
I’m thinking I can divorce my husband, sell the house, then fly over to see him for a holiday.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I’m afraid this all sounds suspiciously like a romance scam. It must have been heartbreaking for you to discover your husband’s infidelity.
Sadly, going online – especially when feeling hurt – left you vulnerable. Romance fraud is a global, billion-pound business, where criminals work in teams to extort money over long periods of time.
It is estimated that Brits lost £80million to romance and dating fraud in 2024 alone.
Stop sending money, and get in touch with Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk, 0300 123 2040) immediately. Also, contact your bank to see if you can get the money back.
You need to start talking to your husband about your marriage.
If he has only been messaging women, you might choose to look past the deceit – but I’d suggest counselling will help you both.
I’m sending my support pack, How Counselling Can Help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
GRANDAD’S WILL GIVES US NOTHING
DEAR DEIDRE: MY late grandfather’s will is causing huge problems in the family.
Grandad was 86 when he died a few months ago. He didn’t leave anything to his children or grandchildren.
Instead, he gave his entire estate – including a house worth around £350,000 – to his girlfriend. They had been together for eight years.
My dad is threatening to take the girlfriend to court, while my brother prefers to spread rumours about her being a “black widow” who only ever wanted Grandad for his cash.
In truth, I knew about the will years ago. I visited Grandad every week and saw how loving his girlfriend was towards him. She cooked and cleaned for him, made him laugh, and he was the happiest I’d seen him since my nana died in 2010.
My parents and siblings never visited him, unless they wanted money.
Years ago, my brother borrowed £5,000 from him and never paid it back. Dad actually used to laugh at him behind his back, and made fun of his wobbly walk.
Grandad told me that he wasn’t going to leave them a penny. I imagine him up in Heaven, watching the squabbling and chuckling.
The girlfriend doesn’t seem bothered by the arguments. She’s putting Grandad’s house up for sale and says she’ll use the money to move nearer to her children.
I’m staying out of the fighting. But what do you think. Was Grandad unreasonable?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry to hear about your grandad’s death. My support pack, called Understanding Bereavement, explains the different stages you’re likely to go through.
It can be a difficult time, even if you knew he had a good life and was happy at the end.
Anyone is entitled to choose who inherits their estate.
If the will was legally witnessed, and your grandad was not being coerced or manipulated into signing it, then there is nothing your family can do.
I suspect your dad will drop the legal threats once he finds out how costly it can be to contest a will.
As the legal owner of the house, your grandfather’s girlfriend has the right to sell it as soon as probate is granted.
She doesn’t have to give the family any information about his finances.
But they will become public records in time.
Staying out of the arguments is a very wise move.
FEAR IDENTITY WAS STOLEN
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M being chased about an electricity bill for an address I haven’t lived at for years. I think someone has stolen my identity.
In 2023, I lived in an HMO (housing with multiple occupants) for six months. There were lots of other people living there and security was lax. I’ve just been contacted by British Gas about an overdue bill of £550 for the HMO address.
I’m worried – British Gas has all my personal details, but I’ve never opened an account with them.
What can I do to sort this problem? I spoke to my local police but they wouldn’t help.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is hopefully just a mix-up. Contact British Gas and explain the situation, and clarify when, and where, the fuel was used.
Also, check with your HMO landlord to find out if you were responsible for your fuel bills during your tenancy. Even if you didn’t enter into a contract with British Gas, you could still be liable for any fuel you’ve used.
You can also find advice and support through your local branch of Citizens Advice – check out citizensadvice.org.uk.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: DURING foreplay, my boyfriend doesn’t touch me down below, and it’s making me self-conscious.
I’m worried he doesn’t like how I look there.
We’ve been together for two years and in all other ways, our sex life is good.
He seems to love the rest of my body and he’ll always spend ages caressing, stroking and kissing my boobs and bum. He says they really turn him on.
But then he’ll move straight to sex without spending any time touching my vagina, unless I specifically ask him to do that.
It’s making me worry that there’s something off-putting about how I look.
I know he’s looked at online porn in the past and that always seems to show close-ups of women’s private parts. So I can only assume there’s something about mine in particular that is turning him off.
He’s 32, I’m 26. He’s only my second partner.
I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s making me feel insecure, but also a bit resentful, because I spend a lot of time pleasuring him.
I’m wondering if I should just stop doing that, to see how he likes it.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s quite common to worry about your own genitalia, and whether it looks or feels “normal”.
If you’re ever concerned that there’s something unusual about yours, a GP or a sexual health clinician will be able to check.
I doubt your boyfriend dislikes your vagina. It’s much more likely that he’s simply got a blind spot when it comes to foreplay. He sounds inexperienced.
You’re concerned he doesn’t like the look of your bits, but another possibility is that he finds it so arousing, he’s worried that spending too much time down there will cause him to finish too quickly.
The only way to sort out mysteries like this is to talk.
Away from the bedroom, sit him down and explain how important foreplay is for you, and how much you’d like him to touch you before sex. Ask him if there’s anything stopping him from pleasuring you in that way.
My support pack Exciting Foreplay will boost your sexual connection.
AM I REALLY A NARCISSIST?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend says I’m a narcissist.
She’s 28, I’m 29, and we’ve been living together for two years.
She calls me a narcissist because I’m very ambitious at work and look after our shared finances.
But I also don’t always reply to her messages.
I only manage our joint account because I’m better at saving than she is.
I’m ambitious at work because I know she wants to be a stay-home-at-mum one day. I also forget to look at my phone when I’m busy at work. I don’t want to lose her, so should I perhaps get an assessment from a psychiatrist?
DEIDRE SAYS: In fact, fewer than eight per cent of the world’s population have a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Many of us have narcissistic traits, like feelings of superiority, ambition, or lack of empathy, but these don’t make us narcissists.
If you’re concerned, talk to a counsellor who’ll be able to assess you. But I suggest you talk to your girlfriend about ways you can balance your needs more harmoniously.