I thought I was in a loving relationship before finding out my boyfriend was engaged to someone else

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend and I are actors in the same theatre company and have been together for nearly a decade, but I have just discovered he has been engaged to someone else all this time.

It is the performance of his lifetime and I didn’t have a clue.

Last month my world collapsed when a woman called, claiming she was his fiancée and demanding to know who I was.

She had found his phone and read my messages, including some intimate ones, then angrily picked up the phone, blubbing to me.

I was in complete shock and to begin with thought it was a scam.

Then her story started to add up and I realised how my boyfriend has completely hoodwinked me.

While we’ve been together for a long time, we are often rehearsing and travelling with different shows. So we have never lived together.

He would stay at mine when we had time off and lived at his parents when I was travelling with work.

We met when I was 28, he was 39.

He mentioned a woman friend, who had moved in with his parents to help with his disabled dad when he was working away.

He swore their relationship was platonic, saying she was such a good friend to help his parents. There was never any suggestion that they shared a bedroom when he returned home.

When I confronted him, he admitted to loving us both and refused to stop seeing her.

He’s told so many lies, and I’m utterly confused. I know he loves me, but I feel like I was only ever his dirty little secret.

Now, his fiancée has told everyone about me, I feel completely wrong-footed. She seems to think I knew I was his mistress. The truth is I thought I was in a loving relationship.

I don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: He’s lied for years and now he’s been found out and has shown no remorse. Unless you are happy to live a life where he calls the shots, now is the time to start standing up for yourself.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what his fiancée or any of the rest of his family think about you. You know the truth and now is the time to make some positive changes to regain control of your own life.

There is someone out there who will appreciate you, and put you first, but you need to move on and meet new people.

It’s time to leave. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. You can do this. My support pack, Moving On, will help you.

NOT HER DISH OF THE DAY

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is more interested in dinner than me. We once had a passionate relationship and she was always keen on sex at first. Recently she has lost interest and I mostly feel like an afterthought.

I am 48 and she is 46. We have been together for almost a year. I love her but I can’t help but think I was a rebound relationship after her ex ended it with her.

I’m convinced that she sees me as part of her comfort zone rather than a valued partner.

She gets upset if I talk about ending things with her and always persuades me to stay.

It’s all about keeping up appearances with her friends. Sex has to be scheduled and even then she will come up with excuses to avoid touching me.

She is taking me for granted and thinks I will accept anything.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell her clearly that you love her deeply, but that sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship for you and you are not ready to accept living without it.

Explain to her that it is more than simply a physical act but is about feeling wanted.

My support pack, Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive, will help. Focus on kissing, hugging and spending quality time together which may help you find a happy compromise on how often you have sex.

I WANT A BABY, BUT HE DOESN’T

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER having my children young and being in a hurry for them to grow up, all I want now is another baby.

I am 37 and my husband is 38. I was just 18 when my daughter was born. After my son was born two years later, my husband had a vasectomy.

We have talked for years about having it reversed so we could have another baby, but money was always tight. We finally decided to go for a reversal last year but the results weren’t good.

We were told we’d need IVF too which hasn’t worked either.

There is one more procedure we could try but it is expensive and there’s no guarantee it will work.

I’m trying to persuade my husband to spend the last of our savings on this treatment because I’m so upset that it seems we won’t be able to have another child.

Everything seems stacked against us. A small part of me thinks my children are just getting past all their teenage dramas and I wonder if I could even cope with all that again when I’d be much older.

Life feels so boring without little kids around. I no longer work and I really miss all of it. My husband says we should just forget it and move on.

DEIDRE SAYS: Coping with the realisation that your family is complete is a natural stage all parents face and, for some, accepting that the baby stage is over takes some adjustment.

As your children grow up, they will still need your support and being available to focus on them is hugely important.

Each phase of life brings its own joys and rewards. In a few years’ time you may be a grandparent and be young enough to be actively involved in their lives.

There are lots of worthwhile ways you can make a positive contribution to the lives of young people.

Think about training to become a teaching assistant, volunteering at your local primary school or supporting families through organisations such as Home-Start which helps struggling families with pre-school children (home-start.org.uk, 0800 068 6368).