THE air thick with chlorine, the deafening echo of children’s shrieks and the chaotic splash of a cannonball: it’s a quintessential school holiday afternoon at the local pool.
For almost a quarter of UK parents, a trip like this is a go-to activity, especially on a wet day.
Some parents parents who use the steam room facilities can get a bit carried away[/caption]
But from his high tower, our secret lifeguard watches the goings-on with an ever-increasing sense of dread.
Here, he reveals a shocking truth – it’s not the over-excited kids who are the problem, but their utterly filthy and entitled parents.
GETTING FRISKY IN THE STEAM ROOM
OUR pool has lovely steam room facilities, but some parents who use it can get a bit carried away.
I’ve caught one pair sneaking off for some hanky-panky, leaving me to watch their offspring while they’re at it.
You always know if they have plans to get it on – there’s a telltale smirk on their face and they look around furtively, waiting until it’s empty.
If the pool’s quiet I’ll sometimes signal to get one of the other attendants to burst in after a few minutes to catch them in the act as it makes us laugh.
Ultimately, we ask them to stop and if they keep doing it we’d kick them out, but it’s never come to that.
At my last pool I worked a few times at events hired out by naturists – because I got paid double – and those swimmers were always much better behaved and really did just enjoy swimming in the nude, it wasn’t about the sex.
CHANGING ROOM FILTH
AS well as life guard duties, it’s my job to check on the changing rooms and do some light cleaning.
But that shouldn’t involve picking up stinky nappies from the cubicles, or from the floor beside the bin – it’s particularly galling when that bin is empty.
On one occasion I was walking through the changing room and a dirty swimming nappy was kicked out from under the door right in front of me.
I kicked it straight back in and told them to deal with it. It was disgusting. I can’t stand those kind of parents – they’re nothing but entitled and rude.
THANK GOODNESS FOR CHLORINE
Every now and then a child will have an accident in the pool[/caption]
EVERY now and then a child will have an accident in the pool – it’s gross, but it happens.
It’s bad enough when I have to get human waste out of the water, though at least I have a fishing net to do it.
If it’s easily contained we get everyone out and wait for a short time before re-opening. Probably not long enough.
Once, we failed to spot a ‘floater’ and when we re-opened the next morning and went to fish it out, it disintegrated and let’s just say it wasn’t a pretty sight.
We had to close the pool while it worked through the filter system and the chlorine did its stuff.
Some parents were up in arms that they’d have to wait for a couple of hours so it was safe to go back in the water – they never seem to realise that we only have rules for their own safety.
BOOZY PARENTS BREAK THE RULES
One mum smuggled in a whole McDonalds meal[/caption]
PARENTS who are supposedly watching their children but sit scrolling through their phones – and lie when they’re caught out – are the worst.
On several occasions I’ve asked mums to put their phones away but they often argue back and claim they’re “checking something important”, when in actual fact I’ve watched them for the past 15 minutes.
We ban people from bringing their own food into the spectators’ seats and I usually turn a blind eye if they’re giving their children a snack.
But I did draw the line recently when one mum smuggled in a whole McDonalds meal – not least because I could hear other children whining to their mums, asking for one too.
I had to nip that one in the bud quickly. They always try to pull the innocent, “I didn’t know” card, despite the huge signs telling them food is banned.
It’s particularly annoying when I absolutely know they know, because I have to pull them up on it week after week.
We also ban alcohol, but I often find empty cans of ready-made cocktails and even a few empty wine bottles when I’ve been clearing out the bins.
That might explain why some couples end up making out in broad daylight on the loungers right by the pool.
LETTING KIDS RULE THE ROOST
The sort of parents who see me as a glorified babysitter hired to watch over their kids only while they please themselves are infuriating.
They often sit there gossiping as their kids run around – we ask them to walk because the floor is so slippery.
I’ve lost count of the amount of kids I’ve seen go flying, and their mothers belatedly clutch them to their chest and look at me as if it’s my fault they can’t control their little darlings.
But equally annoying are the over-indulgent ones. They’re the ones who don’t get their kids out of the pool in time, saying “oh you can have five more minutes”, meaning the pool shuts late or they let them barge in front of the other kids on the queue for the slide.
The worst one was a kid who got halfway down the slide and started clambering back up, several times.
The mother stood at the bottom saying: “Come on now Tom, let someone else have a turn”.
It took all my will power not to pull him off myself. I didn’t blame him, he was only around three years old and having fun and his mum should have read him the riot act.
STAFF SEX IN SAUNA
I love my job – despite only getting into it because it paid better than working in a fast food restaurant. We’re mostly students so we have some pretty riotous staff outings.
Whilst I don’t take advantage of the empty leisure centre after hours though for skinny dipping – I can guess how many people pee in the pool and have no intention of paddling round in that – I have had sex in the sauna with one of my fellow life guards.
So yes, it’s not just parents who are badly behaved, I admit.
It was the end of a long day and we’d been clearing up all the rubbish and needed some fun! We’d had a couple of kisses at staff parties before and one thing led to another.
It was a great stress reliever. We weren’t the first of our gang to do it and I doubt we’ll be the last. It felt great to finally be the ones breaking the rules.
Sadly, I don’t seem to get chatted up by the yummy mummies.
MOANING MINNIES
WORKING here has made me realise quite how much people will moan and complain. Our pool is good value, especially when compared to many holiday activities.
A year ago we put up our fees by 20p per child and you’d have thought we were committing daylight robbery the way the mums moaned – and that was despite the fact that toddlers go free. It’s crazy.
There’s one particularly entitled woman I’ve taken a real dislike to.
We provide free shoe covers at the entrance to the pool but she always insists on wearing her shoes without using them.
And then she has the cheek to complain the floor is dirty. We all look out for her and signal when she’s on the warpath – by making a throat slit motion with our hands.
SQUARING UP
One teenage was looking for a fight after he was told to stop vaping[/caption]
I’m always diplomatic though as I’m on a zero hour contract and want to keep being given shifts and the sort of people who moan at me, will soon complain to my manager too.
The only person I’ve actually kicked out was a particularly rude teenager who squared up to me, looking for a fight after I told him to stop vaping.
The regulars always complain that it’s too busy during the school holidays – but I get that.
Their lovely peaceful swim is completely disrupted – but they tend to come early in the morning to avoid the crowds – wish I could work out a way to avoid them too.