DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me make sense of my feelings after my ex seduced me back into his life.
I was completely torn. While I was enjoying the hot, intense sex, I felt guilty because he was married, and his wife had become a friend.
I was 32 and worked in a car showroom; he was 36 and a salesman. We had a great 10-month relationship until he suddenly ended things, saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.
Not long after, he left the company to take on a new role elsewhere, and we didn’t keep in contact.
The breakup left me feeling shattered, but then seeing him get engaged and married within six months made it even harder to bear.
I tried to move on with my life and even had a few dates with people, but then his wife joined our company, and surprisingly we got along well.
As far as I could tell, she was unaware of my history with her husband.
Then one evening before picking her up, he came over to talk to me and whispered he’d never stopped thinking about me.
I tried to shut him down, but he soon started texting, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t resist him.
Eventually, he came over to my house one evening, and we started having sex again.
I felt trapped – torn between desire and not wanting to ruin someone else’s marriage.
That’s when I wrote to you.
You helped me see that while it’s possible his marriage was a mistake, he must sort it out himself.
You reminded me that, no matter how strong my feelings are, I cannot allow myself to be his casual fling or “bit on the side”.
You suggested I give him space to talk to his wife and, if necessary, end his marriage, but warned me it was futile allowing him to have both of us.
You also sent me your support pack, Your Lover Not Free, which helped me understand the importance of setting boundaries, recognising my worth, and protecting myself emotionally.
Following your advice, I set a clear boundary and gave him space for six months to figure out what he wanted.
Since then, I’ve felt a weight lift. I no longer feel like I’m being drawn into secretive, unhealthy patterns, and I feel stronger for prioritising myself.
He decided to stay in his marriage, and though I still find him tempting, I feel confident that by protecting my self-respect and refusing to settle for being second best, I’ve made the right choice for me.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so pleased you reached out and shared your story.
You’ve been incredibly strong in putting boundaries in place and refusing to let yourself be further pulled into an affair that would only have damaged you more.
It’s natural you were tempted – old feelings and attraction don’t just vanish – but you’ve shown strength in stepping back and protecting your self-respect.
Your ex made his choice to stay in his marriage, and you’re right not to settle for being his secret. That would only have kept you stuck in the past, while he continued living his life with someone else.
By walking away, you’ve made a clear statement about the kind of love and commitment you deserve.
Moving forward, you’ve opened the door to finding a loving relationship with someone who can give you their whole heart.
Keep focusing on yourself, your happiness, and building a future with someone truly available.
When the right person comes along, you’ll be ready to welcome them without baggage or doubt.
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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