DEAR DEIDRE: My wedding jitters were out of control when I wrote to you. I was on the verge of calling the whole thing off as my fiancé had become really moody and overbearing with my kids.
I was 43 and he was 45. We’d met almost two years before and at first it was wonderful to find love again after being a single mum for many years.
We clicked from the day we met, and it was a whirlwind romance in every sense of the word – even our sex life was hot. He surprised me by proposing on my birthday and we set a date for the wedding.
My two boys were 11 and nine at the time. He lives 60 miles away but was happy to regularly stay at mine during the weekends.
Everything was going well until he stayed for the whole of the Easter Holidays and to be honest it was disappointing.
I discovered he liked to get his own way, and everything had to be immaculate. I am much more laid back.
My house is clean, but I don’t worry about a bit of untidiness. On a few occasions we argued about it.
He became surly and refused to speak to me or my boys for days at a time. It seemed so childish. My sons weren’t happy when he told them off and my eldest turned against him.
Next my fiancé started putting pressure on me to give up my house and move to his bigger home.
I didn’t want to make a mistake by moving in with someone I was no longer sure about so I wondered whether to let my house out rather than sell it.
That way I would have somewhere to go back to in case things didn’t work out.
At the time I wrote to you, I couldn’t see how we could all live together happily.
You advised me to talk to my fiance to work out whether compromises could be reached.
You sent me your support pack on Looking After Your Relationship to help us to communicate better.
We are now in a much better place and my boys are much happier too. We can now look forward to our wedding without any doubts.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I am so glad you got in touch and shared your problem because your relationship was not just about you and your fiancé. Your children came as part of the package and their needs were important too.
Spending time together at the weekend, then going back to living separately, is entirely different to becoming a family unit permanently.
It was so important to listen to your gut instinct because the last thing you needed was to end up in an unhappy marriage with troubled children.
It was vital to have an honest and frank discussion to work out what improvements you needed in your relationship because entering a marriage half-heartedly is the pre-cursor for unhappiness.
I am glad to hear you had that talk.
When there is uncertainty, postponing a wedding to give yourself more time is sensible.
Creating a happy family together meant both of you needed to make compromises and it sounds as if you have managed to achieve this.
My support pack Looking After Your Relationship has practical advice to help you communicate more openly and continue rebuilding the connection between you going forward.
Good luck on your special day!
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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